Midget sex pt 2 tonight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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