I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
