If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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