im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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