I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
