So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
