You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
