My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
