I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
