just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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