I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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