If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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