It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
