Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
