the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I smell stomach acid.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
did i walk over a car last night?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
