Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
