He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
