Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
