apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
