There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
