It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
