life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
