I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
