his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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