I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
