Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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