I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
