i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
