just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sext me about skeletons
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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