dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
