New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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