Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
