I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
