I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
