Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
