Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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