You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
