I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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