Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
