It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
pop tarts are not kleenex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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