I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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