I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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