I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
