Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
