I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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