He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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