I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
