As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
false alarm, still single
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
