I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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