i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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